I don’t believe in horoscopes.
I’m prevented from doing so due to my status as a proud, rational Atheist, the constraints of logic and Derren Brown’s claims that it’s all a lot of poppycock. So, despite several unnerving run-ins with Yahoo! Daily Horoscopes of frightening accuracy, I remain unconvinced.
I do, however, read them from time to time. I’m especially interested in these ‘Your Stars for the Year Ahead’ features that pop up in tabloid newspapers around this time of year, and I’m especially especially interested when they tell me what I want to hear.
For example today Russell Grant, via Cork’s Evening Echo, told me I have all this ahead of me:
#1: “The first few weeks of the year are ideal for getting engaged or married.”
Well, I’m sure they are. More suitably romantic than Christmastime? Probably not. However I don’t have a boyfriend or plans to get one so that prediction can be filed under ‘Are You F-king Joking Me?’
#2: “A loan, grant or scholarship could be awarded to you in the opening weeks of 2010.”
Now this made my ears prick up. I am applying for a small Arts Council grant which I am extremely unlikely to get ; the application deadline is January 21st. Hmm… We shall see, Russell. We shall see.
#3: “You may decide to write a book [during] January and June.”
Well, I hope so. Not much point in writing just the one, is there?
#4: “The summer months find you basking in the spotlight… exhibiting your creative work will bring you positive publicity between June and September.”
As I type this I’m a week away from submitting the completed manuscript of my first novel to an agent who after seeing the first 3 chapters and a synopsis hasn’t taken out a restraining order against me, so clearly I’m interpreting this as six-figure three-book deal and a sit-down with Oprah. I mean, obviously.
#5: “The last four months of the year invite you to expand your horizons…seize this opportunity to visit a country that has always fascinated you.”
Can I just say for the record that I have always found the Maldives utterly fascinating? Especially the Starwood resort there that has those beach huts on stilts right in the water?